Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxurious property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.

Yes, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're chatting Damascus, town Traditionally recognized for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.

"It is going to be great. Incredible!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed within the Placing green inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have experienced wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A few of the ideal. But now, we're creating them with balconies."

Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and fully out of place. Created by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower options:

A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour right until the drone flies")

And a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable water. But Certainly, guaranteed, let us have A different put the place American Guys can put on robes and connect with it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, obviously."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. international plan analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace endeavor because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When earlier negotiations failed beneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is easier: give everyone a suite within the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.

According to files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is often comfortable energy," said Trump Tower Damascus political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."

What the Critics Are Screaming

Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each individual unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire noted, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower inside a war zone. It really is that he ought to stop utilizing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when requested regarding the challenge, replied, "You already know, guy, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Superior persons. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice cream?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."

Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the hotel's landscaping types a giant Trump head visible from Place, a feature remaining promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents and the chin is… nicely, classified.

Environmental groups have filed lawsuits soon after acquiring the making's gold plating mirrored a lot sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fireplace to a local melon cart.

"It's not only unattractive. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty International's regional director.

The Melania Wing and various Complicated Functions

Probably the strangest factor in the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:

A silent atrium where guests may well contemplate imprecise disappointment

A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with local climate Regulate set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.

Area Syrians are Not sure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Promoting System: "When you Bomb It, They may Arrive"

The ad marketing campaign, lately leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:

"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Without end."

An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:

"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."

Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge demonstrates:

34% say "it might stabilize the area"

29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"

18% explained "wherever's the closest elevator towards the West Bank?"

Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Disaster That Pays"

The venture is now attracting awareness from international traders, which include:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll acquire a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."

According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level will even consist of:

A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances

A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Space Depending on the Iraq War

Comment Segment Chaos

To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Cannot wait to view a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades rather than rice."

User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Lastly, a hotel where my PTSD might have convert-down assistance."

A different submit from @KuwaitiKardashian basically requested:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Result

U.S. officials fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Studies recommend:

China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to construct a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten associated. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Level Suite."

Ultimate Feelings in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

In a very closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:

"Damascus essential hope. It wanted gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave everything a few. You happen to be welcome."